Allen's new family HELP ME!
by Shezzalenko
Summary: Allen Walker, a 4 year old child who was in the wrong place at the wrong time as two mentally challenged idiots are on a quest to prove that ghosts DO exist. Allen just became exhibit A.
1. When you go into the graveyard tonight

**...I joined this site about 2 years ago and nothing until now *_***

**anyway...**

**thank you 'Evil Chocolate of Doom' who is my co-writer (...and practicly wrote the whole thing ^^;) **

.net/u/1353411/Evil_Chocolate_of_Doom

**i will only say this once since it will save me time instead of writing it up every time**

**I DO NOT OWN -MAN! i never have and never will, much to my misfortune T_T**

**Chapter One: When you go into the graveyard tonight~**

* * *

"It was a dark and stormy night when two epic heroes proceeded to the final stage of their epically awesome quest. Only the best of the best, the bravest of the bravest could withstand the epicness that was thrust upon them in order to go forth and prove to the unbeliever-"

*Whack*

*Jingle*

"Ouch! What the fuck man?" a tall man with a jester's hat was rubbing in head while pouting at his red headed attacker.

"Dude, I'm all for setting the scene, but that was going too far! _And_ you're wasting all the camera battery,"

"Killjoy," the jester flashed his torch at his partner in crime, causing the red head's one eye to squint shut.

Turning his face way from his annoying friend, the red head turned to cemetery gates, noticing just how creepy they were at night. Suppressing a shudder, he turned to the jester, "The camera good to go?"

"Check. You got the ectoplasmic ghost hunting net, Lavi?"

"Check. Ghost bait?"

"Check. Torches and batteries?"

"Check. Pervert detector?"

"He he he, yep,"

Lavi rolled his eyes, "is it really necessary?"

"Damn strait it is! Are you willing to disregard the lovely Lenalee's selfless, unknown contribution to our epically awesome quest?" The jester smirked twirling a pair of lacy panties on his finger.

Lavi chocked, his eyes widening in horror "For the love of all that is holy! Do you have any idea what Kanda's gonna do to you? Daisya you are a dead man walking!"

"Totally worth it!" another perverted giggle

"You need to get laid," the one eye man deadpanned, "Though at least we know they work," Shaking his head at Daisya's obliviousness to his imminent death, Lavi grabbed his friends arm and dragged him towards the creepy ass gate.

"Damn it Lavi, I'm cold, hungry and this place is freaky, can't we come back once its daylight?" Daisya whined, shivering. Lavi sighed at the jester, trying to ignore the pale gravestones and the dark mausoleums, praying that they only found ghosts not vampires and zombies.

"Look, we've both known Kanda for years; we have plenty of dirt on him! To traumatize him all it would take would be going home and ringing Tiedol!"

Lavi froze in his search for one of the illusive ghosts and started at Daisya in shock, "You did not just say that! How could you, Daisya Barry, a _foster son_ of Froi Tiedol, even suggest that you inflict him on us as well as Kanda! You _know_ what happens when _one _of _us_ invite him over? How could the great prankster, who holds to this day, the record of most detentions served at high school, who has spend the greater part of his existence tormenting the human iceberg called Yuu? How could you just let him get away with mocking us because he refuses to believe that we may be right?

_Flashback XP_

"_For the last time, stupid rabbit!" an angry, feminine looking man with long dark hair leapt to his feet, his girlfriend's nail file clenched in threateningly in his fist, "There is no such thing as ghosts!"_

_Poking his head up over the coffee table he'd hidden behind, Daisya couldn't resist jabbing at his foster brother, "Hey, baKanda, is it safe for someone of your delicate features and long glossy hair to carry a nail file? Most people already think you're a girl, the rest think you cross-dress in your spare time..."_

_Lavi snickered "Fem-face"_

_Kanda Yuu's eyebrow twitched, his teeth ground together, his nostrils flared, the nail file rose up..._

"_DIE!"_

"_We're off to find a ghost for you Yuu!" Lavi shouted over his soulder as he fled the enraged pretty boy._

_Daisya patted is butt and made kissing noises before running for his life._

_End flashback_

It was while Daisya was enduring Lavi's nagging when he spotted something pale and human-shape on a hill bare of everything but a dead tree, a grave and a ghost.

"L-Lavi. Ghost," the jester pointed behind the red, who swirled around, anger forgotten.

"Whoa! Got the camera on?" Daisya nodded. "Good, follow me," Lavi quickly made his way up towards the top of the hill, the two of them dodging down behind gravestones and belly crawling upwards.

Lavi was crouched a two meters away from the little ghost huddled in front of a tombstone reading 'Mana Walker', the ectoplasmic net held at the ready. Daisya was a few feet behind him with the camera at never leaving the spectre.

Lavi paused, steadying himself, before lunging at the unsuspecting ghost, the net quickly entangling the creature who let out a frightened wail. Scooping the bundle up, Lavi couldn't help but bounce in place. _Finally proof that ghost exist. Suck that Yuu!_

The successful hunters shared a triumphant grin, wallowing in their success, when the spirit let out another wail and started to struggle just as a small limb fell from the tree. Daisya Barry and Lavi Bookman ran full pelt from the cemetery, the ghost's cries accompanying them the whole way out.

* * *

Title came from the fact that 'Evil chocolate of doom' had 'teddy bears picnic' stuck in her head (dunno how, she just did)

...then we ended up making our own version! =D

"When you go into the graveyard tonight, your in for a big surprise

when you go into the graveyard tonight, your not gonna believe your eyes

for every ghost there ever was

you better hide for sure because

tonights the night two idiots will come to catch you~!"

...if anyone ask's, yes we do run on stupidity XD


	2. and the Darwin Award goes to

YASS! I have updated! :D and this time i wrote most of this! so proud of myself

thank you to everyone who reviewed *w*

anyway...todays song is a parody of 'i've got a feeling' by 'the Black Eyes Peas'

I Got A Feeling (That I'm Gonna Die A Virgin) by Lavi and Daisya

I got a feeling  
That we didn't catch a ghost  
that we kidnapped a kid  
A little white haired, scar faces kid~

I got a feeling - ohhh ohhh  
That Kanda's gonna stab us  
That Lenalee will kill us  
Oh my God we are so screwed~

(I've got a feeling)  
Tonights the night  
We're gonna die  
Oh my God Why?  
There's no goodbye  
Oh why oh why  
We're too young to die  
I'm still a virgin  
Dude that's weak  
SHUT UP LAVI!

.Anywho...ON WITH THE STORY! 

**Chapter Two: And The Darwin Award Goes To...**

There were two things Yuu Kanda regretted in his life.

Becoming Froi Tiedol's adoptive son

and

Allowing Lavi to be his house mate

It was two in the morning when the stupid rabbit and his annoying adoptive brother came home. It was known from the bumps, shouts and cries, coming from downstairs that the two morons had done something more stupid than usual.

Being careful not to wake his girlfriend, Kanda made sure to grab his precious Mugen before stalking down stairs to put the dimwits out of his misery.

"Shut up you little brat! We're trying to surprise Kanda," Daisya's obnoxious voice could be heard from down stairs.

"Daisya, would this be considered kidnapping?…NAH! It's a ghost not a kid!" Lavi mused to himself, unbeknownst to the imminent death that was sure to come.

The little ghost let out another wail before attempting to free itself from the ectophlasmic ghost hunting net.

"Damn it Lavi, help me out here!" Daisya shouted, having difficulty with holding the net as the Ghost started squirming around. Lavi sighed before grabbing hold of the pole and grabbed hold if the top if the net to restrict the ghosts movements.

"What the hell have you idiots done now?" Kanda's Voice boomed, causing Lavi and Daisya to jump and the 'ghost' stopped crying. The two ghost hunters quickly recovered from the fright and devious grins were plastered on their faces.

"Oh Yuu, just the person we wanted to see," Daisya started, his grin grew even bigger.

Lavi started bouncing on his feet "Look Yuu! This is the day we prove you wrong!"

"See!" the jester shoved the net forward, almost smacking it into Kanda's face.

Kanda let out an irritated growl and looked at a completely terrified white haired child caught in a disturbingly familiar net.

"There better be a damn good reason for me to be up at two in the morning, putting up with you idiots and why the fuck is there a god damn kid in a fishing net!" Kanda glared, unsheathing Mugen. The next words to come from the Rabbit and the Jester would decide if they would live or die.

"What kid? This is a ghost that we caught in out awesome Ectoplasmic Ghost Hunting Net!" Daisya shouted with pride, swinging the net around, causing the 'ghost' boy to scream again.

"And we have all the proof right here!" Lavi announced, letting go of the net and whipping out a video camera. Kanda couldn't help but slap his hand to his face, it really was too early for him to put up with any of this nonsense.

"So…you're telling me you've got evidence of you morons abducting a kid…you do realise that Lenalee is going to kill you when she finds out about this. I refuse to pay your bail fee!"

"We didn't abduct a child! What do you take us for, idiots?" Daisya pouted, Kanda raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. The 'Ghost' attempted to get out of the net again and succeeded when he managed to get head out and bit Daisya's hand, causing him to drop the net.

"OWWW! LAVI, YOU SEE THAT! THE LITTLE BASTARD BIT ME!" Daisya screamed, cradling his injured hand. "I DON'T WANNA BECOME A WEREGHOST!"

The 'ghost' crawled out of the net and ran behind Kanda.

"Clowns and redheads are evi,l" the little 'ghost' glared at his kidnappers from behind Kanda.

"No, they're just stupid" Kanda deadpanned, glaring at Lavi as he was slowly walking up to him, net in hand, ready to pounce on the boy again. "Give me that!" Kanda growled, ripping the net out of Lavi's hand. Now that Kanda had a closer look at the net, he was mortified at what the net was.

"Yuu, give the ectoplasmic ghost hunting net back, we need to catch the ghost,"

"Lavi…Daisya…this is a fishing net….This is _**Tidol's**_ fishing net…..DO YOU MORONS REALISE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?"

Daisya narrowed his eyes as he glared at the fishing net, his face slowly losing colour as he realised at what he and Lavi had brought down upon the house. Daisya slowly backed away, shaking his head in denial before turning tail and running out of the room. All that could be heard was his voice echoing.

"Sorry Lavi, you're on your own!" before the sound of the door slamming. Realisation slowly dawned upon Lavi as fear started to kick in.

"Traitor!" Lavi screamed at the closed door, panicking at what unthinkable punishment was to come as Kanda raised Mugen at Lavi's throat.

"Will you all be quiet! How am I supposed to sleep with this racket?" A voice came from upstairs, both boys looked up to see a very tired and annoyed Lenalee looking down at them.

'Shit' both boys thought. Lenalee was a very nice and friendly person but also a woman to fear when angry. What made matters worse was when the Ghost boy ran up the stairs and clung onto Lenalee's nightgown. Lenalee glared at the two older boys which could put ice in their veins.

"We will talk about this in the morning," Lenalee stated before picking up the boy. "It's okay sweetie, you can sleep with me tonight," Lenalee changed into a warm, motherly tone before heading back to bed, leaving the confused rabbit and samurai downstairs

"uhh…Yuu, I think you just lost your woman to another man," Lavi joked, instantly regretting what he just said.

"DIE RABBIT!"

* * *

~Omake~

It was the early morning light that woke the slumbering beast as he laid in the gutters surrounded in unidentifiable liquids (with some solids included)

"Muuurrrr,heyyy idiot! Mmr wheres breakfast?" the redheaded beast slurred, slowly raising his head, finding no one around

"Damn it, he ran off to the cemetery again" the man muttered, slowly pulling himself up from the gutters, "Better go fetch him".

* * *

Omake's will appear in random chapters so there wont be in all the chapters =P

and if anyone else ask's , No, Lavi and Daisya are not drunk...more like hyped up on Red Bull XD


	3. Breakfast mayhem

Ack!

Sorry it took so long to update, I did have this finished back in March but my Co-writer took forever to edit (though i don't blame her, we got hooked on Pokémon Black and White and Nuzlockes _ )

chapter song is a parody of 'I have a lovely bunch of coconuts'

He's got a lovely bunch of flapjacks (diddle-ly dum)

There they are standing in a row (dum dum)

One stack, two stacks, now he's eating the plate

Give him some syrup and maybe a lemon

Oh god he's eating the fridge!

...ONWARDS!

**Chapter three: Breakfast Mayhem**

"Morning~ " Lavi chimed as Lenalee walked into the kitchen, the little white haired boy followed trying to staying as close to Lenalee as possible. Lavi moved from his chair, walking over to the kid and bent down to try and ruffle his hair but the boy hid behind Lenalee, using her legs as a barrier between him and the crazy red head.

"Lavi, I don't think Allen would want you near him after you scared him half to death last night,", Lavi looked up to see an unimpressed look on Lenalee's face.

"Allen?"

"That's his name, I checked the tag on his jacket last night," Lenalee explained. She bent down and picked up the child and sat him on a chair. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Can ya whip me up an omelette Lena? Lavi asked

"I wasn't asking you so you can make your own omelette," Lenalee glared at the red head, obviously still annoyed about last night. Allen pulled on Lenalee's skirt to grab her attention, he mumbled something that she couldn't hear. "Huh, what was that?" Lenalee asked, bending down to hear a little better.

"Can I please have some pancakes Miss Lenalee?" Allen asked quietly, avoiding eye contact by playing with an old oven mitt he was wearing on his left hand.

"Sure thing sweetie," Lenalee flashed Allen a smile before heading to the Pantry to get the ingredients and grabbed a bowl to make the mix.

"HOLY CRAP! COUSIN IT DYED HIS HAIR!" Lavi boomed, both Lenalee and Allen looked at the clump of blue-ish black hair in the doorway. A hand came out of the hair and parted it to reveal a very tired and pissed off Kanda.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME RABBIT?" the man growled with a murderous intent at the red head. Lavi jumped and slowly made his way to the back door.

"Umm...Lenalee, I-I'm gonna chill at Daisya's for a bit...BYE!" the redhead stuttered before pelting out the door.

Lenalee sighed, 'every morning' she silently groaned as she sat the mixing bowl on the table and turned to the angry Japanese man. "How'd you sleep last night?" Lenalee asked.

"Shithouse, I hate sleeping on the couch," Kanda grumbled and pointed to the white haired kid sitting at the table, "It's all because of that fucking brat,".

Another sigh came from Lenalee as she walked over to her boyfriend and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm sorry Kanda, I'll make some Soba just for you tonight and can you please cut down on the swearing?"

"Che, whatever, if you need me I'll be in the shower,"

"Okay," Lenalee smiled and went back to making the pancake batter

**~10 minutes later~**

"Can I please have some more pancakes Miss Lenalee?" Allen asked, raising his plate up to hand her. Lenalee was shocked but nodded before pouring more mix into the frying pan. While the pancakes were cooking, the back door flung open and a very peeved Lavi walked into the kitchen.

"I thought you were at Daisya's?" Lenalee said, rather surprised that Lavi was back so soon.

"I was, but the door was locked and he wouldn't answer it, the blinds and curtains were shut and even that horribly painted, god damn papier-mâché rock he made back in high school where he hides the spare key was missing!" Lavi ranted before crashing onto the chair next to Allen and grabbed the orange juice bottle on the table. The white haired child glared at the red head which was making Lavi a little uncomfortable.

"Is something wrong kid?" Lavi asked, drinking the orange juice from the bottle, keeping interest in what the boy had to say.

"You have red hair like Master ...red haired people are evil" Allen stated

Lavi's eyes widened and spat out the orange juice that was in his mouth. "Le*hack* Lenalee did you just*cough* hear what he just said?" Lavi pounded on his chest to get the orange juice he was chocking on to settle.

"Did he just say he has a Master?"

"Lenalee I don't care if he's a slave or whatever...I CARE ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE JUST DISCRIMINATED AGAINST ME!"

Lenalee rolled her eyes at the red heads overreaction, "Allen, it's not very nice to say mean things like that," a plate with another stack of pancakes was placed in front of him but the white haired child just stared down at his oven mitt again with a guilty look.

"But it's true...him and Master both have red hair and they both do scary things,".

"Who's your Master?"

"Master Cross Ma-Mar-Maary..."

"You don't mean Cross Marian do you?" Kanda asked as he walked in, wearing a black singlet, dark blue jeans and a towel draped over his shoulders, his long hair was slightly damp. Allen nodded his head.

"You know that seedy bastard?"

Again Allen nodded his head.

"That just perfect, we can use you to get him to pay off his fucking debts for Tiedol!" a devious glint appeared in Kanda's eyes.

"Huh? Who's Cross Marian?" Lenalee asked, feeling out of the loop.

"He's some drunk, womanizing bastard who can't pay his debts, he owes Gramps a bundle too," Lavi explained and begun tilting on his chair when a question popped into his head. "What are we gonna do with the kid, I remember that he can be a bit abusive, one time when I was little he banged me on the head with a hammer!"

"I-I don't want to go back, he's really mean," the boy muttered, loud enough for the three adults to hear.

"I guess we'll take him to an orphanage," Lenalee said, knowing that would be the most responsible thing to do.

"No, they'll send me back to Master,"

"You already tried that?" Lavi asked, Allen nodded, "Heh, smart kid...we could keep him, I've always wanted a little brother,"

"No way in Hell, I don't want a grubby little brat living with us, your bad enough as it is Rabbit!"

"Kanda's right Lavi, we can't keep him, we've got Uni and Kanda has a job,"

"But Lenalee, you're doing Child Welfare which goes against having children living with negligent and abusive parents and guardians and we can always find a babysitter, plus look at him! How can you say no to that face?" Lavi pointed to Allen's face which was looking at her with large grey eyes.

"umm, well..." Lenalee's reasoning was crumbling under the innocent look.

"LENALEE! DONT LOOK AT HIM IN THE EYES!" Kanda seethed

"...Okay, we'll let him stay," Lenalee decided.

"YAY!"

WHAT?"

"Only until we can find someone who can look after him," Lenalee added

"Good enough for me, I finally got a little brother!" Lavi shouted, hugging Allen and started spinning around causing the child to scream.

Kanda's eye twitched "at least it's slightly less annoying then the happy dance he usually does," he muttered before glaring at Lenalee.

"I'm sorry Kanda, I'll make it up to you,"

"Che, whatever,"


End file.
